*** Postscript, Dec 2003: After having just recently read the “Behind-the-Scenes with Verve” interview of Hrithik’s, I knew once and for all, that every second of the HOURS I and fellow Dufans spend at our fan club, and for this site, completely dedicated to this man we call Duggu, is completely, utterly, THOROUGHLY JUSTIFIED. BRAVO to a human being with SUCH COURAGE that he inspires millions around him, and will continue to do so for many years to come! Hrithik Roshan you are my hope, my light, my strength! May God Bless you for the INCREDIBLE difference you have made to my life and to so many millions like me! THANK GOD we found you! ***

March 2003: I’m sure most Dufans know what I’m talking about when I say that seeing Hrithik’s incredible strength of character, his courage, his determination, his perseverance… he makes you look at yourself in a different light, he makes you look back at yourself and wonder what YOU can do to improve yourself. Well this is about one such incident that made me do the same.

I don't think I could name even one aspect of Hrithik’s personality that I don't totally admire, but I have to be honest, from the time I got to know this man some three years ago, it always bothered me that he claimed that he was really a introvert by nature. I just never believed it! I’m sorry but I've heard many a actor or actress claim that they're actually shy people and I’ve never believed them. And in the same way, I never really believed Duggu. 

And I can say this, because I myself am a shy person, extremely. Self-conscious, shy, introverted, easily embarrassed, avoiding many of life’s situations because I’m so terrified - almost phobic - of being the centre of any kind of attention. It’s an everyday issue. 

Infact it makes me angry when people in the acting profession claim to be shy because it makes me wonder, “then what am I? Some kind of mental case that needs to be hospitalised?” It makes me angry because I know first hand how it feels to break out in perspiration when I so much as have to say two sentences in front of a group of people, I know first hand that being a shy person, the thought of doing any kind of performance whatsoever, is so terrifying that I'd sooner jump off a 50-storey building. 

A shrink will probably tell me that I am what I believe and so I defeat my own purpose when I say this, but fact remains, I don't think - no, I know - I am not physically capable of taking up a career like acting. The self-consciousness of performing, the public scrutiny, the fear of making a fool of myself in front of even a room full of studio-assistants - forget the public, I could never do it. I couldn’t' even do a school play without looking like an idiot because I’m just too self-conscious. 

It makes me angry when actor/actresses – initially, even Hrithik - call themselves shy because to me it’s always been something I've been incapable of overcoming. Because it’s been so difficult for me to even make the slight progress I have made since I was a kid. Because to me, I feel these people don't even understand the words ‘shy’ or ‘introverted’, they can't even begin to understand how it feels to really be shy. Because shy people just cannot do what they do. I should know. Honestly it irked me when I heard even our Duggu claim to be ‘introverted by nature’. Even with him I'd think, “oh come on Duggu, don't give me that, look at the way you act, look at your Raj and your Rohit in KNPH, no way, you don't even begin to understand the word introverted.” 

I truly believed that a genuinely shy person could never really overcome it because it’s just a part of their personality, their mindset, and the way they are. I believed this and accepted it because I thought, “I should know, I've been like this all my life as much as I've wanted and tried to be otherwise.” Honestly, I never even believed it when I heard people say (I don’t think I’d ever heard it directly from him until recently) that Hrithik supposedly used to stammer as a kid. I may not stammer myself but I know its just a different effect of the same problem. And I found it very hard to believe. I thought, “Oh please, what kind of a stammer was that that its now completely disappeared. Hmph, my foot!” I'm sorry but it’s the truth. I just couldn’t believe it. 

So am I saying I thought Duggu was lying? Did I? Gosh! : ( Ok maybe not lying, but at least, I thought he was exaggerating the truth. 

All this was up until relatively recently, midway through last year (2002), when I read (Thanks to fellow Dufan Isha) the transcript of Hrithik’s Simi Garewal interview (this particular section of the interview can be found at the end of this column), and I heard (as I pictured the interview in my mind), for the first time, Hrithik himself talk about his stammering; its when I heard this sentence “As a child, I've howled myself to sleep, because I've been made fun of...” that it hit me… With unbelievable anguish I realised for the first time, "Oh My Gosh… He knows! He DOES know! He knows EXACTLY how it feels… He really does know exactly how it feels to be scared to speak in front of people for fear of being laughed at… again... To be so scared of being laughed at that you often prefer to avoid such situations altogether... My gosh, he does know... And I never believed him…" 

As I continued to read the rest of his discussion of this problem he's had, I realised in absolute horror that my dearest Duggu really has gone through it all. When I heard him speak about that side of his life I realised that it felt like I was hearing myself. Until, he got to the part about overcoming his problem... At that point I was left behind, wondering, “But how?! I've been trying all my life...” 

I tell you, reading just that little piece of that interview hit me so hard that I got up and walked away from my computer, and I spent a few minutes just staring out the window, trying to absorb what I’d just read, mulling it over and over in my mind, contemplating it all. Contemplating how I'd always felt so connected to this man, how he'd always seemed so normal and yet so incredible, how he had the most inexplicable way of being incredible and yet reaching me and making me able to relate to him in a way that made me realise that I could be everything he was, I could accomplish everything he did. He so inspired me because some part of that superstar/heartthrob was just another ordinary person like me, and I connected with that. That so inspired me, so made me believe in myself. And for the first time in the two years I'd known him, that day, he actually made me feel so INcapable. I thought of what he'd overcome and how impossible it's been for me and I felt so alone again, so ashamed that I’d just given up and resigned myself to my ‘fate’. For the first time I thought "my gosh, he's nothing like me, he is so soo soo much bigger than me, I could never be that." I thought about it all day, somehow feeling so left behind, wondering to myself, “if he did it, then why couldn’t I do it”. I thought about how difficult its been for me and I thought about his words "it has been the hardest battle of my life…” and I realised its been just as difficult for him, but he overcame it and look at me... 

It hit me so hard cos I was flabbergasted that THE Hrithik Roshan had gone through something as frightening and debilitating as this and had overcome it to become what he is today! I was flabbergasted indeed, thinking to myself “My gosh, I’ve lived with this all my life, believing and just accepting that that’s the way I am, convinced that there’s nothing much I can do about it, just improvise and live with it” - as I said I’ve even avoided many a (good I’m sure) life experience because of this fear of making a fool of myself – “And look at Hrithik, he even stammered! But instead of accepting it, he fought it, he did what he had to do no matter how hard it was and now he’s beaten it, and now he’s making all his dreams come true, dreams I would never DARE dream, because I didn’t think it was possible to get over such extreme shyness!” Amazing. It was incredibly eye opening, believe me. 

I thought this man was an inspiration even before that day so you can imagine what I think of him since. The irony of it is that this interview took place way back in March 2000, but I’d never seen it or heard about it till two years later. Now I look at him and think, there ain’t nothing ordinary about this human being, this guy is truly superhuman. And I can assure you from personal experience that it takes superhuman efforts, willpower, determination and strength of mind to be able to face, and overcome something like this. And that’s because the very manner of the problem is such that it becomes a vicious circle. Because you're uncomfortable in social situations, those that you do build up the courage to be a part of usually end up in some kind of embarrassment, which makes you fear the next time even more. Or, making the tough decision of getting professional help means repeatedly doing exactly what you're terrified of doing, which makes you start to fear the help/counseling sessions too. It’s only two examples of the kind of situation that springs up everywhere and every day. Facing all that again and again despite the accumulating fear, somehow finding the courage to keep trusting that somewhere, somehow, things will get easier even though it only seems to get more frightening, is truly a incredibly courageous thing to do… I tell you I’ve been more in awe of this man than ever since that interview. He really does make you realise that nothing is impossible, nothing at all.

Infact, it also made me understand something I’d often read in his interviews - I always used to read Hrithik say in interviews that he likes facing his fears, actually I'm sure I've heard him use those exact words, "I like to face my fears", and I always thought with a little laugh "Hrithik Roshan you’re crazy! (And indeed facing your fears is more frightening than any daredevil feat) You make that sound so easy!" Cos I think we will all agree that one of the hardest things any human being ever has to do in life is to face their fears, whether it’s a common fear or a unusual one, to each victim it is as debilitating. I used to think this man either has absolutely no fears in life, cos he clearly has no idea what he's talking about - who in their right minds could possibly LIKE to face their fears, it’s the hardest thing anyone's ever had to do! – or, he's superhuman. Now, knowing that he does have fears, but with the most incredible amount of courage, he really has and does work to overcome each of them cos he's so determined to not let any of them stand in the way of his dreams; now, I know, that this man truly is superhuman. 

Our stereotyped view of superhumans is as those with extraordinary physical strength, but I also add to that category people who have extraordinary strength of the mind. Because to me, bending solid iron bars, breaking down brick walls and performing death-defying stunts don't even compare to the strength it takes to have the courage, willpower, and determination to face and confront all that life throws at you, to have self-belief and perseverance in the terrifying face of hardship - all qualities Hrithik has in abundance. To me, that amounts to a kind of incredible strength no fictional superhero I’ve ever heard of, has ever accomplished.

So, you’re all wondering where all of this is coming from, considering I read this interview so many months ago? I’ll tell you. These thoughts come back to me again now, because I have a presentation coming up soon, one of numerous presentations that I've had to do through school, college and will surely have to do at work. And yet it doesn't get any easier. I continue to struggle every time I have to do them. Even after all this time and ‘experience’, just the very thought of it still brings feelings of such anxiety and such dread. And I find myself once again wishing I could change, I find myself thinking of Hrithik on the Filmfare (and other) stage(s), performing or saying speeches in front of hundreds with such gusto, such feeling, such self-confidence and such skill. I find myself thinking of what he’s overcome to get there... I obviously can’t change overnight but thinking of him gives me some hope that maybe I Can get through one more presentation with some dignity. But its such a mental battle, and I often find myself wishing, "Ah Hrithik, if only, if only I had just one ounce of your courage... " 
 

Hrithik talking about his ‘handicap’ to Simi Garewal:

SG: Your friends say that you were very introverted, very shy....
HR: I still am...
SG: You still are...?
HR: But, I'm in the kind of career now, that I cannot afford to be...... so, I'm trying to change. 
SG: They say that earlier you used to stammer as well because you were so shy. How did you overcome that? That’s remarkable! I'm sure there are a lot of people out... who are watching.. who probably do the same. I'm sure they'd love to know....
HR: (surprised) Well, I've never spoken about this... hehe... yeah... but its okay. I want people to know that it’s ok. It is sad, because it’s the only handicap that is ridiculed by society....
SG: Yeah....
HR: It is....coz it looks funny....
SG: It’s very cruel....
HR: It is. Believe me, it is. As a child, I've howled myself to sleep, because I've been made fun of...
SG: Really??
HR: Yeah....Its happened all through.... all throughout my life... you know, it was really hard.....coz you're kind of left out.....
SG: Why were you so shy?
HR: Somehow I didn't..... I don't know....
SG: Your nature....
HR: Yeah, probably. Some kind of phobia that develops into something like this....
SG: But, you've changed yourself remarkably, full marks...
HR: Oh, it has been the hardest...hardest battle of my life....
SG: It has to have been....
HR: It still is...you know, but I could do it, that means people can do it too...
SG: How hard you must have worked....?
HR: I have sat up nights.... all night just reading from a book. I have watched entire films, repeating each & every dialogue as the film is running.... I've done meditation.... I've done everything that there was to it.... it has been the greatest battle of my life.... but I'm okay now (wink!)
SG: You certainly are.... but when people talk about overnight success, they don't know the 15 years that went before it.....
HR: Yeah.....